Cultural Appropriation: The Greatest Threat to Your Neighbor’s Bongo Collection

In a world where everything is offensive to someone, a strange and powerful force has emerged — one capable of canceling everything from sushi to sombreros: Cultural Appropriation.

Let us begin by acknowledging the ancient universal truth: if you eat pad thai and you’re not Thai, you’ve basically declared war on a sovereign nation.

🥁 Drum Circles of Doom

It all started with a harmless drum circle in Santa Monica. Chad, who had just come back from a three-day ayahuasca retreat in Peru (well, actually a yoga retreat in Topanga Canyon), brought his djembe to the beach. Little did he know, his innocent attempt to "honor the rhythm of the earth" would cause a ripple in the spiritual fabric of the internet.

A TikTok user with zero followers and an anthropology degree from a liberal arts college commented:

"Unbelievable. That drum has roots in West Africa. Chad is from West Pasadena. CANCELLED."

👕 The Great Shirt Crisis

Somewhere in Portland, a woman named Karen (no relation) wore a kimono-style robe to a tea shop. She was promptly accosted by three culture vigilantes in Birkenstocks who screamed, “THAT IS NOT YOUR AESTHETIC!”

Karen tried to explain that it was a bathrobe from TJ Maxx. But the damage was done. She was later seen hiding behind a display of fair-trade Ecuadorian scarves, crying into a matcha latte that no longer felt safe.

🎧 The Forbidden Playlist

DJ Spinspiral tried to play a set at a local art festival — a beautiful mix of Afrobeat, Latin jazz, Mongolian throat singing, and a remix of "Ave Maria." The result? A cancel storm so strong, even the goats in the nearby petting zoo unplugged their ears in protest.

One man shouted, "If you didn’t grow up herding llamas in the Andes, why are you sampling a pan flute?"

The DJ tried to clarify that he just liked the sound. He was booed off stage by a group of aggressively diverse ukulele players.

☕ Cultural Appropriation Bingo: Cancel Your Breakfast!

The following list was discovered scrawled in soy ink on a compostable napkin at a Berkeley café:

Yoga (unless you're Indian)
Tacos (unless you're Mexican)
Feng Shui (unless your house was built on a dragon ley line)
French bread (unless you are actively resisting an emperor)
Chopsticks (unless you passed a state-sanctioned etiquette test)

We regret to inform you that if you’ve ever eaten General Tso’s chicken while listening to reggae and wearing a poncho, you're basically the colonizer from Pocahontas.

🧠 When Cultural Sharing Becomes Cultural Daring

Let’s not confuse appreciation with appropriation. Some say culture is a shared human treasure, others treat it like a museum exhibit where you can’t touch anything and if you do, a security guard named Twitter will tackle you.

Yes, it's important to respect origins. But must we cancel Steve for learning the didgeridoo just because he’s from Ohio?

If we keep going, we'll soon live in a world where everyone can only eat, wear, and listen to what their great-great-grandparents did. Spoiler alert: that’s just boiled potatoes and accordion polka for most of us.

🕊️ Final Thoughts from the Multicultural Frontlines

Is it possible to enjoy tacos without committing a crime? Can we drum without condemnation? Can Karen wear her robe again?

The answer may lie not in policing each other’s playlists, but in promoting mutual respect, curiosity, and good rhythm. Maybe Chad can keep drumming — just… in the woods, quietly, with a permission slip from Ghana.

In the meantime, let’s remember that the world is a mix tape. If you hit play with love, maybe — just maybe — we can all dance without fear of cancellation.

Except Chad. Sorry, Chad. You're still on thin ice.

Comical Truth