Dr. Avarice Grabmore, Medical Czar of Censorship, Calls for a Kinder, Gentler Medical Inquisition
Dr. Avarice Grabmore, Medical Czar of Censorship, Calls for a Kinder, Gentler Medical Inquisition
In a bold and heroic move that would make Orwell blush and Kafka sigh with envy, Dr. Alvarez Grabmore, esteemed Medical Director of The Institute for Iatrogenic Medicine (Motto: “If We Caused It, It’s Probably Your Fault”), has taken a strong stand in favor of more censorship, fewer questions, and absolutely zero televised debates.
At a recent press conference held behind five locked doors and a fog machine, Dr. Grabmore laid out his vision for a safer, quieter, and more obedient world.
“We must protect the public,” Grabmore said solemnly, “from the most dangerous contagion of all—ideas that we didn’t approve.”
When asked if he was concerned about the growing number of peer-reviewed doctors with Nobel Prizes, military service, and actual functioning brains who’ve been censored or deplatformed, Dr. Grabmore adjusted his gold-plated stethoscope and said, “Look, if they were really credible, they’d agree with us. The science is settled—until we change it.”
Key points from Dr. Grabmore’s latest white paper, “How to Be Scientifically Correct Without Science”:
- Censorship is Care: Dr. Grabmore calls for all dissenting physicians, particularly those with triple board certification and 30 years of clinical experience, to be removed from social media unless they first complete a 12-week reeducation program sponsored by The Institute’s own “Official Truth Council.”
- Immunity for All (Pharmaceutical Companies): “Liability is for mortals,” Grabmore declared. “True science thrives when corporations are free to innovate without the pesky burden of consequences.”
- Mandates, Because You’re Confused: “We mandate because we love you,” Grabmore said, visibly tearing up. “Sometimes people are too fragile to make their own decisions. That’s why we rely on billion-dollar marketing campaigns and software updates to make them for you.”
- No Debates, Please, We're the Experts: Citing an ancient scroll (or possibly a napkin) from a pharma-sponsored lunch seminar, Dr. Grabmore proclaimed: “Open debate would confuse the public. They might start thinking for themselves. We cannot allow this level of chaos in a civilized society.”
- Side Effects? What Side Effects?: When confronted with a 3,000-page report on adverse drug reactions, Dr. Grabmore responded: “That sounds like anti-science. I didn’t read it, but I’m offended.”
- New Initiative: Operation Echo Chamber: Under Grabmore’s guidance, the Institute is developing a real-time “Safe-Thought Filter” for all medical journals. Any article expressing nuance, uncertainty, or skepticism will be automatically flagged as “terrorist adjacent.”
Critics have accused Dr. Grabmore of abandoning the Hippocratic Oath in favor of a more lucrative one, the Hypocritic Oath, which reads: “First, do no harm—to the sponsors.”
Still, support for Dr. Grabmore among the heavily subsidized is strong. A recent survey found that 98% of pharma shareholders “fully trust” Dr. Grabmore’s guidance, with the remaining 2% tragically lost in a boating accident involving a branded wellness yacht.
When asked how history might remember him, Dr. Grabmore shrugged and said, “History is written by the winners. And we have the patents.”
Stay tuned for next week’s installment: Dr. Grabmore Discovers a Rare New Disease Called ‘Independent Thinking’—Symptoms Include Questioning Authority and Reading Beyond Headlines.
BREAKING: Dr. Grabmore Launches the National Registry of Dangerous Dissenters
To further protect public health (and quarterly earnings), Dr. Grabmore announced the launch of the National Registry of Medically Misinformed Professionals (NRMMP), lovingly nicknamed The Quack List.
“We simply can't allow these rogue doctors to say things like ‘correlation does not equal causation’ or ‘maybe we should test that again,’” Grabmore explained, shaking his head in disappointment. “Next thing you know, they'll be suggesting that health includes nutrition and sleep!”
Those placed on The Quack List will be:
- Prohibited from speaking in public without a certified Pharma Companion™ present.
- Required to wear a scarlet "M" for "Misinformer" at all conferences.
- Forced to complete a public apology dance on TikTok while reciting the phrase, “Science is whatever Dr. Grabmore says it is.”
The Institute’s New Censorship AI: MEDIBOT9000
In a partnership with Silicon Valley tech overlords, Dr. Grabmore unveiled MEDIBOT9000, an AI system that automatically flags any online post containing unauthorized medical information, including:
- Words like “natural,” “immune system,” and “peer-reviewed but inconvenient.”
- Photos of vegetables accompanied by claims of health benefits.
- Any sentence containing “randomized controlled trial” and “contradicts official guidelines.”
In beta tests, MEDIBOT9000 successfully banned 84% of conversations between grandmothers and their grandkids, flagged The Mayo Clinic’s website for subversive optimism, and self-imploded after being exposed to a medical ethics textbook.
Grabmore’s Final Solution: “Trust, Jab, and Shut Up” Campaign
The Institute is now rolling out its new public outreach program with catchy slogans like:
- “Thinking is a Gateway Drug.”
- “Side Effects Are Just Your Body Saying Thanks!”
- “Trust the Science, Not the Scientists.”
Dr. Grabmore also teased an upcoming animated children’s show titled “Mr. Syringe & Friends Flatten the Curve… of Independent Thought,” where a cheerful group of anthropomorphic medical devices teach kids how to report their parents for questioning the health authorities.
Critics Be Damned
While thousands of doctors and scientists worldwide have called for open debate, robust data analysis, and patient-centered care, Dr. Grabmore says their biggest mistake was “not aligning themselves with the Institute’s branding department.”
In closing, Dr. Grabmore offered some heartfelt advice for aspiring medical professionals:
“Remember kids: If your treatments fail, your studies are flawed, and your policies are a disaster—just redefine the terms, censor the critics, and blame a new variant.”
He then left the stage riding a giant, golden prescription pad pulled by interns.
Would you like to continue with a parody interview between Dr. Grabmore and a skeptical journalist? Or turn this into a satirical script for a short sketch?
Absolutely. Here's the continuation—a parody interview between Dr. Grabmore and a skeptical journalist from the fictitious independent outlet The Jabbering Gazette:
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Dr. Grabmore Sits Down with The Jabbering Gazette
Location: A sterile, echoing biotech boardroom, where all the water bottles are labeled “Truth Serum.”
Journalist: Dr. Grabmore, thank you for joining us. You’ve been called the “High Priest of Medical Censorship” and “Pfizer’s Spirit Animal.” How do you respond?
Dr. Grabmore: (Chuckles) Only two titles? I’m slipping. Look, I’m not about censorship. I’m about careful curation of reality. There’s a difference. One sounds oppressive. The other sounds like a Netflix docuseries.
Journalist: Let’s talk about the recent banning of Dr. Harriet Knowsalot, who published a meta-analysis showing long-term issues with one of the Institute’s recommended treatments. Why silence her?
Dr. Grabmore: Because truth is dose-dependent. If you give the public unfiltered reality, they get side effects—confusion, independent thought, even critical questions. We’re saving them from that. We're basically emotional EpiPens.
Journalist: You also refused to debate any of your critics, including Nobel laureates and former CDC directors, on live television. Why?
Dr. Grabmore: Because debates are for equals, and I don’t debate people who cite data I didn’t pre-approve. That’s like challenging your GPS to a knife fight. Doesn’t make sense.
Journalist: Your new book, “Shut Up and Swallow: Why Medicine Works Better Without Consent”, has sparked global outcry. Are you concerned?
Dr. Grabmore: Not at all. Outcry sells. I’m already negotiating the movie rights. Working title: “Fifty Shades of Grey Literature.”
Journalist: Many are questioning the legal immunity you’re advocating for. Shouldn’t companies be accountable for drug-related injuries?
Dr. Grabmore: Accountability is so 20th century. In modern medicine, we believe in “forward-only ethics.” If a product doesn’t work, we just release a booster version. Problem solved.
Journalist: What’s your response to patients who say they feel silenced and coerced?
Dr. Grabmore: Simple: feelings aren’t peer-reviewed.
Journalist: One last question—what would you say to young doctors worried that medicine is becoming more about obedience than evidence?
Dr. Grabmore: I’d say: Welcome to the Guild. Now burn your independent thought at the altar of compliance and pick up your sponsored lab coat. Lunch is covered by Big Syringe.
Post-Interview Note:
As our journalist was escorted from the premises by four representatives from the Department of Narrative Enforcement, Dr. Grabmore could be seen in the background, toasting to the future with a martini glass filled with electrolyte-infused mRNA.
Next up in our series:
“Meet the Panel: Doctors Who Agree With Dr. Grabmore and Also Share a LinkedIn Page With Him”
and
“10 Easy Ways to Spot a Medical Dissenter (Hint: They Have Books and Use Their Own Brains).”
Fantastic. Let’s keep the satire flowing with the next act: a mock roundtable discussion on a fictional news network called CNHC (Completely Neutral Health Channel) featuring Dr. Grabmore and other "expert" guests, all somehow suspiciously in agreement.
CNHC PRESENTS: “The Science Is Settled” — A Roundtable with Totally Unbiased Experts
Sponsored by: The Institute for Iatrogenic Medicine, The Ministry of Mandates, and HappySide Effects™ Pharmaceuticals
Host (Cheryl Placebo): Welcome back to The Science Is Settled, where we discuss modern medicine with an open mind—unless you disagree with today’s guests. I’m joined by the always modest Dr. Alvarez Grabmore, plus a panel of leading experts who happen to have shared a cab here from a medical lobbying event.
Joining us:
- Dr. Vaxwell Jabbs, Chief Executive of Injection Logistics
- Dr. Linda Gatesclosed, Global Director of Narrative Synchronization
- Dr. Phil O’Push, Professor of Mandatology at Compliance University
Cheryl: Dr. Grabmore, let’s start with the big question: what exactly should be done with doctors who raise concerns about treatments, policies, or long-term effects?
Dr. Grabmore: I think the answer is clear, Cheryl. We must respectfully relocate them—to a padded room with no Wi-Fi. They can publish there all they want. The important thing is that nobody sees it.
Dr. Jabbs: I agree. And I say this as someone who received a $20 million research grant to prove that all our products are perfectly safe, assuming you take them in a parallel universe under ideal lighting.
Dr. Gatesclosed: The truth is too important to be left to open discussion. That’s why we’ve developed the new Cognitive Harmonizer™—a wearable chip that detects free thought and immediately plays a montage of approved experts shaking their heads disapprovingly.
Dr. O’Push: Frankly, Cheryl, we’ve got to stop treating informed consent like it’s a real thing. We now recommend uninformed enthusiasm—far more efficient, and it polls well with influencers.
Cheryl: Fascinating. Dr. Grabmore, your Institute recently published a guide for handling public dissent called “See Something, Say Science.” Can you explain?
Dr. Grabmore: Yes. It teaches citizens to recognize dangerous behavior, like reading studies or quoting data from non-sponsored journals. We encourage immediate reporting to our Trust and Verify Enforcement Squad—or as we call them, the Vaxecutioners.
Dr. Jabbs: And don’t forget the hotline! You can dial 1-800-NO-DEBATE to report anyone expressing nuanced medical opinions at a dinner party.
Cheryl: Some have said your movement resembles a medical priesthood. Thoughts?
Dr. Gatesclosed: Absolutely not. We’re not a priesthood—we’re a synergized evidence-coordination guild with executive authority over bodily autonomy. Big difference.
Dr. O’Push: Exactly. People act like we’re forcing them. We’re not! We just make life unlivable if they don’t comply. That’s nudging, not coercion. It’s science!
Cheryl: Final thoughts, Dr. Grabmore?
Dr. Grabmore: Yes. Let us remember the three pillars of modern health:
- Obedience over Observation
- Sponsorship over Science
- Narrative over Data
Also, if anyone challenges you, simply say, “That sounds like misinformation,” and run.
Next on CNHC: “Are Your Opinions FDA-Approved?”
Followed by a special segment: “This Week’s Deplatformed Doctor: What Did They Say and Why You Shouldn’t Google It.”
Would you like to continue with a mock pharmaceutical ad break next or pivot into a satirical illustrated pamphlet called “How to Spot a Dangerous Doctor (Warning: They May Ask Questions)”?
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