“Finally, a King for America:
“Finally, a King for America: Why We Deserve the Theocracy We’ve Been Praying For” By Patriarch Duke General Reverend Supreme Leader Rich I (self-appointed) Citizens, rejoice! After 249 years of freedom, chaos, and people tweeting their feelings, the time has come to restore order the only way civilization ever truly worked — by crowning a single, unquestionable ruler. Democracy had a good run (give or take a civil war, two world wars, and 800 types of milk), but let’s be honest — things were better when people just obeyed someone in a shiny hat. 1. The Presidency Was Basically Monarchy Lite Anyway Presidents already act like kings — they live in palaces, fly in private jets, issue royal decrees called “Executive Orders,” and enjoy near-total immunity from consequences. The only thing missing is a crown and a decent scepter. Why keep pretending it’s a “republic” when we could finally rebrand the White House as The White Castle and serve loyalty oaths with every meal? 2. Bri...